Sweet Mother's Day 2018
I've been swamped with emotions this week with all the Mother's Day prep. My mom loved to celebrate occasions and this one was a beautiful one that was about her. This picture below is the only one I have of her and I, when I was a baby.
The fist Mother's Day after my mom died was brutal. I wanted it to die. But, every mall, grocery store, media and mail, screamed "love your Mother, spent time with her, spoil her". Mine was dead. There wasn't anything beautiful about it. It was horrible and I hated it. I didn't allow my family to celebrate me because I could be celebrated on my birthday, or any other day. This day was for her and she was gone and I was loosing it.
Freaking A! I miss her.
The following year I dreaded the entire month of May. The "Mother's Day" posters and beautiful pastels and flowers blooming all over the place reminded me so deeply of her. My mom loved Mother's day. It was a big deal. We all got her a piece of china from her collection, or jewelry. We wrapped all her gifts and she always wanted us to take pictures of her with her wrapped gifts. And then, she opened them, and wanted more pictures. Pictures with her flowers too. Maybe she wanted to be reminded that we love and care for her. We were all so busy as adult children, but, this day, we paused our lives and made her our priority.
At church I see women with their elderly moms on Mother's Day and the pastor gives all moms honor. For a second feel those beautiful feelings of being honored as a mom. But, then I look around and I wish I had her. I wish I could walk her as she ages., take her to church, and then teach her all about good coffee. I wish I could take care of her when she's old and gray. Year after year, I loose it. I get overwhelmed by this grief. Mourning all over again. Mourning that time lost with her.
That second year after my mom died, a month before Mother's Day, I had a new born baby boy. I was spiraling into depression. I wanted my mom so much. I needed her so much during some dark times. I was having major marital battles. We had just moved to an apartment and I was loosing it fast. Last thing on my mind was to celebrate me, or to celebrate other moms. I didn't see it that way. I didn't see to just love on another mom who was going through crap of her own. I was depressed, lonely, alone. I really did find joy in my boys. In the little man that so desperately needed me. I found myself coming back to reality every time I looked at him, giving thanks to the Lord for this goodness. I was still mad at God for taking my mom and not understanding that He was the one that was healing me. He was the one taking the pain away and restoring my heart. Equipping me for days ahead. And filling the hole in my heart that was just in need of Him. sigh.
On Mother's day weekend my sister had enough of my pity party. She took me to get a pedicure in down town. The boys (husband included) took a walk around the park as they waited for us to be done. She wanted to celebrate me. Not my mom. But me. It's like she took an ugly vail off my eyes and so simply told me how she feels about me as a mom. She poured into me all the things I do for my boys and for my family. That, after mom died I stepped in and was there for her. She told me that she would not have known where she could have been with out me being there when she was going through her grief and healing. All the sudden I felt that I was celebrating my mom by being the best mom I can be, by taking time and allowing the people that love me to celebrate me. It was healing.
I miss my mom, and that's painful. The happy memories wreck me the most because I wish I could have loved on her more, appreciated her more. The sad memories make me regret. There are hurts that needed to be healed and the reality of that breaks my heart. I so desperately want to hear her voice, watch her knit. Gosh you guys, its the little things. Those little things that add up and made her. How much I want to celebrate her. Not her life, but her. To give her flowers and see her smiling face when she opens another tea cup from her china collection. Or the pride in her eyes when she gave me a piece of jewelry, telling me all about the quality in the piece. I miss calling her for every thing. I wanted her advice, even if I didn't take it. I just knew that she knew everything about everything.
I need my mom. Every one does, no matter how old. A mom is always needed. sigh.
So, take this week and go spoil your mom. Goodness, spoil everyone that calls themselves a mom. Because the most important gift she can have - and you as well, is time together. Don't forget flowers. We all love flowers.
Mend what was broken between you. Take this week and just go do it. She's your mom, she will understand. Lay down hurts that you dug deep into your being. Break those things off. I have an unforgiveness towards my mom. Something she said to me, and that molded a bitter root in my heart. I want it gone for good, I wish I could just talk to her about it. I know with just words that would have been mended. Words are powerful. Use them wisely.
Go love your moms
My boys made me feel special on Sunday. We celebrated early. I loved it. I felt special and spoiled. I know my boys adore me and I adore them. And being a mother is the most amazing gift any one can ask and dream of. I love every moment of it. Even the ugly - well, no - I don't love the ugly. I make the best of it and live one day at a time with that privilege of being their mama. I'm blessed to be their mommy.
If you are not a mother, and you are reading this, and you so desire that in in your heart, may the Lord grant you that desire. His promise is for you to have babies. He's a promise keeper. May you be blessed with the most beautiful gift from above.
Best Mother's Day gift: Flowers and gift cards and mani/pedi